So searching for a lost document I found a bunch of stuff I’d written back in 1998! Over ten years old. (Of course I find this shit and not the document with two days of work put into it that I NEED) Tons of old documents: critiques of books I read for high school classes, English class writing assignments, etc. and of course some “humorous” things that I wrote because I thought they were “funny”. I put “humorous” in quotations because of course they’re not “funny” they’re just bad.

This one is apparently something I wrote for some sort of “hilarious” fake newspaper that was probably “crazy” and I thought would make people “laugh” so “hard.” Here for whatever schadenfreude-ic pleasure you can derive from it:

Boy Attempts Suicide with Soda bottle. EMT’s die laughing

Last week disaster struck a small town in Wisconsin, when one Thomas R, Frolitz, aged 13 tried to commit suicide. Mental health experts say that Thomas had been deeply troubled over the loss of his closest friend and pet, Crackers his parrot. Crackers apparently committed suicide saying, “The end is near. The end is near.” Before hanging himself in his cage. “His parrot’s suicide, apparently caused poor Thomas, no end of mental anguish. Thomas has very few friends as you may know, and the loss of his stupid bird was enough to push him over the edge.” Thomas apparently tried to choke himself to death with a soda bottle at three thirty Monday afternoon. His neighbor a certified EMT immediately called every other EMT in the town to assist him in averting the boy’s suicide. “From what we can piece together, said Lieutenant Shukov, “all five EMTs arrived on the scene at around the same time and were rendered helpless at the sight of this boy trying to shove a soda bottle down his throat. This strenous laughter led to extreme cases of cardiac arrest. It killed them almost instantly.” Officer Shukov also went on to say that when they first arrived on the scene he was worried that his officers might succumb to laughter. His fears were quelled when the force’s newest rookie arrested the boy for attempted suicide and pulled the bottle out of his mouth. Thomas Frolitz died yesterday from self-inflicted head wounds believed to have come from a toilet. Parents were unavailable for comment.

OH THAT’S HILARIOUS, YOUNG TRULY! I TOTALLY LOL’D to excess. He had a parrot named, crackers?!? You’re too crazy for this world, kiddo! You’re like outer-space hilarious writer guy!  The EMT’s die instead?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHAT A TWIST! How absolutely brilliant!

What there’s someone on the phone? It’s the onion? Bullshit it is. It’s Assmouth Garbagedick to tell you that even HE thinks this is fuckall. Why did you even try?

And Shukov? Not to be a backseat writer but is he a fucking officer or a lieutenant? Get your goddamn fake facts straight you bush-league twat! This is rubbish, total garbage. Why don’t YOU go bang your head against a toilet until you die instead of writing a fake “hilarious” story about suicide. Fucking rubbish-man. Goddamn Garbage face.

You suck, Ten-years-ago Michael. If I ever see you I’m gonna kick your ass.