December 2008
66 posts
Dear Nicholas Sparks,
Someday I’m going to kick you in the hand. So you can feel the pain writing that I feel upon reading your literature.
Love,
A shallow intellectual
November 2008
61 posts
Dive bars in the middle of nowhere Iowa are especially weird and divey.
Nothing like a post-thanksgiving round of golf.
“The Holiday Season is a chance to glimpse human behavior during the apocalypse.”
I'm beginning to find the real world too strange... →
Is it even possible to Rickroll a parade float?
: Have a totally Gossip Girl thanksgiving everybody!
Shucks, Bob Newhart you’re stand-up sure is funny!
Mustaches for Kids! →
My very funny friend Ron Babcock is participating in Mustaches for Kids which raises money for children’s charities. If you’d like to donate you can do so here. Beware clicking the link means “sweet ‘staches ahoy!’
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CJ's Baddd-Asss Vampyre Story: Chapter 2 Page 3
(Author’s note: as I’m going out of town and am unsure of what my internet status will be this will be the only page until next tuesday. )
“Excuse me?”
“Sorry, just working on a crossword. What is it I can do for you gentlemen?”
Tomassey and Roberts looked at each other each daring the other one to step forward and challenge this man who was obviously not normal because he...
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CJ's Baddd Asss Vampyre Story: Chapter 2 Page 2
The rock declined to answer. Behind them the leaves has separated and a hillock of grass began to rise .
“What’s that, Rock? Rock says this a waste of our time.”
The rock said no such thing. Or anything for that matter. Beneath the rising patch of grass the top part of a door frame slid slowly upward. Deputy Rogers looked down at his notes on the slip of paper.
“Now she said...
: feels tip-top, phe-nom, non janky fo’ sure.
Errrr....
Left the house before I could post the page for today. I apologize…
Just because there's a psychological reason for it... →
: craving Jelly Belly jelly beans and Pizza.
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CJ's Baddd-Asss Vampyre Story: Chapter 2 page 1
Chapter 2.
A Hassard County squad car screeched to a stop in the middle of the road. The two deputy’s inside lurched forward against the restraints of their seatbelts as the brakes squealed.
“Jesus something must have gone all kind of wrong if he’s pulling you off dog squad tonight.”
“I hate that shit. I pulled dog squad three cycles in a row, can you believe that? In a row....
is posting the beginning of chapter 2
“Give me another space-beer, Gleep Glop.”
– (via michaeltruly)
I miss Mr. Show (via cuanimation) Sooo good.
“Give me another space-beer, Gleep Glop.”
Fun Fact of the Day!!!
Did you know…that the human body produces its own supply of alcohol naturally on a continous basis, 24 hours a day, seven days a week?
Works Cited
Lindiger, W., Taucher, J., Jordan, A., and Vogel, W. Endogenous production of methanol after the consumption of fruit. Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research, 1997, 21, 939-943; Phillips, M., Greenberg, J., and Martinez V.,...
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CJ's Baddd-Asss Vampyre Story: Chapter 1 Page 6 &...
“Whoa. Whoa. Calm down.”
“Shit no, I won’t! We find…,” he gestured toward the body with the barrel of his gun, “-that. And then something fucking touches me?”
*PFFFFFFFT*
The room went black. Sheriff Tormel coughed. The air suddenly tasted like pennies. He could hear Deputy Winston coughing a few feet from him. Tormel ducked down and began crawling on his hands and knees...
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Fun Fact of The Day!
Did you know…Beard Fungus affects nine percent of the world’s beard population. Though predominate in developing nations where mentholated shaving creams have not penetrated the market it can (though rarely) strike nations such as Britain, United States, and Portugal. (Crothers 96)
Crothers, Joyce. The Ailing Mustache. 3rd. London: Brightford Books, 1883.
Watchteamtigerawesome:
Will Steppin’ Tron and the gang get their revenge? Will Banana Gorilla get away with Murder? All your questions will be answered in the final episode of the Pizza Robot Trilogy. Starring Clay Dzygun, C.J. Meeks, Chelsea Bradshaw, Christian Langera, Eric Cire, and Renee Hill. Part 1 of Pizza Robot Part 2 of Pizza Robot
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CJ's Baddd-Asss Vampyre Story: Chapter 1 Page 5
Tormel played his flashlight across shelves of old farm equipment, half full cans of oil and engine parts. A couple of now empty stalls threw the smell of animal feces into the air their occupants now roving elsewhere in the dark around the farm. But there was something else in the air. Tormel wrinkled his nose, “Smells like copper.” He shone the flashlight back over the other end of the chain...
Goddammit 1970’s James Taylor you are absolutely right.
I hate you, Japan. →
No Arcade Street Fighter IV? Are you all out to get me? First part of my tooth falls out and now this?!? You dump this on me on top of having a cluster headache? Anyone want to kick me in the balls just to punctuate it.
Is about to walk out on this fucking show
Everyone gets new ringtones today!
Is excited to be in the cartoon network building :-)
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Fun Fact of the Day
Did you know… Fig newtons were invented by Sir Issac Newton? Sir Issac used to place his penis inside and trick the gentlewomen into taking a cookie. Whereby they would discover his penis and refuse the newton saying, “It’s not a cookie but fruit and cake” referring of course to the fey way Issac wore his hair and the spongey flaccidity of his penis. (Carrol 36-39)
Work...
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CJ's Baddd-Asss Vampyre Story: Chapter 1 Page 4
Author’s note: I will not be posting on weekends as that is prime time for catching up or staying ahead of the rolling deadlines.
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A lonely dust devil spun up and round the heels of the two men as they walked across the field toward the barn. The wind was picking up, a chilling breeze to accompany the full moon and clear night sky. Flashlight beams played across...
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Fun Fact of the Day!
Did you know… the moon is a worthless piece of shit? (LaMendola 1-267)
Work Cited
LaMendola, Ritchie. Fuck You Moon: Fuck You and Your Stupid Face. 3rd. San Diego: Harper Collins, 2006.
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CJ's Baddd-Asss Vampyre Story: Chapter 1 Page 3
He wrenched the stock of the shotgun out of the withered old fingers desperately clutching at it.
“No. I need it for when they come skulkin’ round here again. You wouldn’t leave a poor old woman defenseless would you. Sheriff?
“Defenseless, my eyesack.” Tormel grinned, “Lila, you’re mean as the night is long.”
Emboldened by not being shot or feeling sick from a shockless...
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Fun Fact of the Day!
Did you know former ‘Ghostbuster’ Dan Akroyd encourages anyone dating his daughter to use his ‘marital bed’ to find out if it’s true love? (“Number 1 Dad” 41)
Work Cited
Willis, Reggie. “Number 1 Dad.” Akroyd Quarterly 02/10/2002: 41.
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CJ's Badd-Asss Vampyre Story - Chapter 1 page 2
“A’right Rookie, welcome to your first real assignment: checking on the Widow Lucas. Picking up the check for dinner earlier don’t count.”
Winston’s feet made crunching noises as he walked across the gravel dirt, poor excuse for a front yard. The old wooden porch creaked beneath his feet as he rapped on the old door.
“Ma’am?”
No answer. He knocked a little harder.
...
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Fun Fact of the Day!
Did you know in the country of Lithuania spaghetti and meatballs is the second most popular food? The first is Braised Ram Anus stuffed with peppers and is considered to be a delicacy. The richness of the anus meat combined with the spice of the peppers results in an outstanding representation of everything for which the Lithuanian people stand. (Reagan 124).
Work Cited
Reagan, Nancy. The...
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CJ's Badd-Asss Vampyre Story - Chapter 1 page 1
Sheriff Tormel poked at his gums with a splintered toothpick as the squad car hit every bump in quick succession over the Ferrell County Bridge. Bugs smacked against the windshield at the thump-thump-thump of wooden planks beneath echoed inside the car. Hitting dirt again on the other side, Tormel turned left so sharply onto CR 47 the car fishtailed, headlights dancing across the trunks of trees...
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CJ's Badd-Asss Vampyre Story - Preface
This is part of a project for CJ who complained that the book ‘Twilight’ Pussified vampires and cut their dicks off at the hilt. He just really wants to read about some Vampires being bad ass and doing cool shit that vampires do. This is all this is. Something for CJ to read at work where he can be all “Awww that’s gnarly!” I make no claims as to the literary quality...
CJ....
was complaining about Twilight being a shitty book where the Vampires have all had their dicks cut off so after getting me all riled up and convinced that such a thing is an affront to god. “CJ’s Badd-ass Vampyre Story” written by Shallow Intellectual starts tomorrow. It will include all the things that make Vampires great +Tits.
Fun Fact of the Day!!!
Did you know that if you were to crack the skull and uncoil the brain of your new four month old kitten it would, “stretch almost the length of two football fields” ? (Katzenpfeffer 31)
Works Cited
Katzenpfeffer, Charles. Your New Pet and You. 2nd. New York: Harper Publishing, 1999.
Foreplay overrated, Men everywhere rejoice. →
Josh’s agent on ‘30 Rock’ said it best, “Let’s skip the foreplay and get straight to the penetrish.” Then the crab fought the worm. The crab got aroused. And the whole thing got shut down.